1-29-24
6:58am I have been up since 2:30am. We had some good news happen. I am not sure if this is share worthy. We got another small infusion towards the house. It's about time.
Her family is totally ignoring her how they always have, making it hard on her and honoring their dead mother's vendetta. It's all very ridiculous. Tita had some interesting stuff to say.
Tita: I was talking about how kind his dad has been. When I told his dad about our current predicaments, the fact that money has been short for us for a long time, because of the lawsuit, because I changed my mind last year about selling, I haven't been working because we needed to prioritize leaving.
I told him the story about how Victor went to Texas, but it cost us six hundred dollars out of his small amount that he receives from SSI(It was Tita herself that bought the expensive bus ticket with my money because she was having separation anxiety). We got really set back. That's when he told me, "I will send you $300."
Then, this is why you wanted to record, I was telling Frank how one of my friends, she was eighty years old, and for years she has been supplementing her son's income because he is on disability as well, he has been in and out of rest-homes for decades. He wasn't able to have a life and be married because he was violent, he would break through panes of glass when he was a young teenager, or whatever, up to 18, she realized that having him at home was not safe for her.
I was mentioning to Victor's dad that that woman is now 80 and she has been shelling out of her pocket two hundred dollars each month for her son to smoke tobacco. When I shared this story with Frank, explaining to him how Ada did not even buy Victor coffee, how he had to go buy his own coffee when he went to San Antonio.
I am sure Mr. Gruber knows how cheap his ex-wife is being and how she shows no care for Victor. She knows that by now and she can hear that I am angry about it. When I told him that I told him the story I just told you.
When I told Mr. Gruber that he got all defensive thinking I was dropping hints. He said, "I can't promise a big amount..." I cut him off and told him in Spanish that I didn't say that because of him. I told him I wasn't expecting anything from him(rightfully so), that I was only sharing how his "family" didn't even demonstrate love with little things. That there was barely any help from them.
The things that have pissed me off about your family, he is getting to listen to. He is understanding your place, which is zero practically. You have no LOVE or contact and Elizabeth, an outsider, is seeing this and she LOVES Victor, IT IS TRUE.
Victor: All of my life he has agreed, been on their side about me. He supported their bullshit.
Tita: I am just saying, now he knows it's not just you. He knows every character that I believe is slighting you. I told him about how in your last visit, not even your half brother who lives in San Antonio, had the decency to even call you on the phone, let alone pencil you into his hectic schedule. I told him all of this, so he knows, honey, that you are on the fringe of your family's life, as he has been in yours. He knows this now.
Victor: So shouldn't it be only natural that I go out in the world and seek some filling to my voids?
Tita: I think the best thing is for you to make peace with who you are and just bury it for now. Don't think about it, don't give it any energy and go on with your life.
Victor: No, I am going to keep on with Franklin. Not out of hatred, not out of spite, just SOLEY to make my story more interesting, so more people read it and learn how to DO the right things after being deceived for so long.
Not until my "dad" surrenders his bullshit ideals to the obvious, blatant truth that I am presenting him with, not until he stops denying his wrongdoing and thinking, that is the first step to deserving my forgiveness from me, yet again!
Tita: To acknowledge what he did?
Victor: Exactly! He needs to finally admit he is at fault too and realize that it's only going to get worse for him if he does not succumb to me and my DEMANDS of him. Due to his misdeeds he doesn't deserve anything more.
I want him to agree, to comply. If he let's me know that he thinks he is wrong, EVEN IF HE IS LYING, I just want him to practice role-playing, if he can't even fake it, if he can't play this game with me, then I WILL HAVE THE LAST LAUGH!
Literally.
That is my mandate.
That is the only way he stands any chance in hell in even beginning to be more of a father to me than your father was, in the short time he was in my life, compared to Franklin.
Tita: Yeah, well, Dad was a stellar man of old time traditions. He didn't have any Gringo-influence at all like your dad has.
Victor: That's the kind of dad I would LOVE to have.
Tita: Yup, your dad grew up in Nebraska. He told me both of his parents were loving and kind. He had some good examples, but he might've had a bad seed, or an unconventional son who was rebellious. Frank told me he hated school. That he failed(ha!), got all F's, until he took a correspondence course.
He didn't like teachers, he didn't like sitting down, he didn't like routine, so he hated school, yet he was obedient. When he took the correspondence course, that's when he got into his zone, doing it on his own, he said he excelled two years that way. When he took the tests he qualified, he jumped two years ahead from where he was.
Victor: Like a typical male Gruber should.
Tita: It isn't any different than your sister graduating young. My brother Juan when he emigrated at ten years old, he had learned English at ten, and then he graduated high school in three years.
9:01am Tita has something to say. What about a good mother?
Tita: When Victor went to his mother's house, we were just talking about how Victor had to spend six hundred bucks at least, I think it was more, but six hundred that I can account for, two hundred dollar bus ticket, $80 that you took out to buy the sleeping bag. You could have saved that. That was our mistake.
Anyway, a good mother, when Victor arrived, oh, you locked the garage and can't get to your box? Don't worry about that, I am so happy to see you. Don't worry about the lock, I will pay for it. A good mother would be willing to pay every dollar.
Secondly, she should've been, "Oh, you need some cash for cigarettes or busfare? Here you go."
Or she should've called me and asked me what you liked, what coffee and whatnot did you like nowadays? If it had been my mother, that's how she would've acted. I even told Ada that if you showed up and Diana was there, to tell her to go away for a while so you can welcome your son home by himself. To give you priority. When was the last time you saw your son?
I had to coach her to achieve the niceness, or whatever. I also told her that the secret I have with everyone is to spoil them. I told her my secret, spoil Victor like a good mother! Most sweet mothers who have not seen their son in so long and supposedly LOVES him so much and got all butthurt and started crying to me because I insinuated that she didn't LOVE him enough. She knew how we were doing bad and struggling, if she was my mother she would've given Victor a hundred bucks to give to him and me.
Victor: Even if she had, just like Franklin, it would be too little, too late.
Tita: I am just saying again that we tested your mother and she is a substandard mother. Your whole family sucks, but she failed most of all.
Again, when all the fires were raging in Siskiyou County she offered us to pay for plane tickets to go to see her, but her son who she hadn't seen and wrote off for years comes to visit and she's going to make you pay for your own coffee and cigarettes and food.
That makes me sad, that she was that cheap with her son. Especially with how she brags about how successful her other kids are. Borrow money from Laura if you are so tight.
Victor: Right, she could've easily asked my half-brother who got a nice trust fund from his dad, but her son wasn't worth her swallowing her dumb pride to ask for her own son.
Tita: Not only did Luisito get a big chunk after your mom and his dad divorced, and she didn't get shit, but that that money was put away so that it could gain interest. She also told me more than a year ago that both Luisito and his wife Mariana are into computers and that covid didn't even effect them. She told me, "I am not going to say, but they make a lot of money.
Then she asked me where I would appreciate a gift certificate from. Ada and her dumb guilt-absolving petty gifts. She sends me a thirty dollar certificate to Ross, big whoop. I had told her I like Macy's,
Victor: That's like giving you a certificate to a thrift store. Instead of letting us have the money for what we want and need. She probably thinks that if she just gives us money we are going to spend it on marijauna, lol! HAHAH!
Tita: What do you buy with thirty dollars?
Victor: Just like she only offered me fifty on my last trip when I called her from the Walmart, before I found the US Bank. And then dumbass Diana chimes in with, "I will match mom."
Tita: Again, she had six hundred dollars to fly us to Texas a while ago because she was concerned about our health, from breathing in smoke, and then you show up on your own, knowing that we are having hardships and then making you pay for your own coffee and food? See what I am saying? She is a terrible mother, to ALL OF HER KIDS.
Diana, even worse! Ever since I first met her I knew she was all talk. I remember back when we were living in the motorcoach her offering help if we ever needed any. Then months later when we told her we needed to find a new mini-fridge and asked her for help, she quickly refused, denying she had ever offered.
Victor: I still can't forget how she got me the laptop which enabled me to get my necessary files from my backups.
Tita: She had those Walmart points saved already. Your workstation should've been set up for you already! If they really LOVED you they should've all pitched in and shipped the entire box to you here! That was wayyy too much for them to afford, right? Simply pathetic.
10:16am Tita wants to read from Meditations and Mantras by Swami Vishnu Devananda.
Tita: Yeah, I just did my chanting, got a late start. Here we go. This is the page that I randomly chose after my chanting. It's page 133, Bakti Yoga Meditiation.
"True religion does not consist in ritualistic observances, baths and pilgrimmages, but in loving all. Cosmic love is all embracing and all-inclusive. In the presence of pure love all distinctions and differences as well as all hatred, jealousy and egoism are dispelled just as darkness is dispelled by the penetrating rays of the morning sun. There is no religion higher than love. There is no knowledge higher than love. There is no treasure higher than love because love is the truth., love is God.
- Swami Seivananda
Practical Lessons in Yogaa
Bakhti Yoga is the path of devotion. While Jhana Yoga appeals to the intellectual, and Raja Yoga to the rational and scientific mind, Bhakti Yoga comes naturally to those who are predominantly emotional in temperament. Stemming from the innate and unselfish drive towards Unity, it is the most direct way to God-Realization. It is the approach of pure love which is poured upon the chosen deity, or aspect of God. The path of Bhakti Yoga is essentially the same as that of the Christian tradition. Through placing all his concentration on God, the devotee endeavors to increase his rememberance of and cummunion with the Lord. With faith, prayer, prayer and self-surrender he attains direct perception of is Ideal. When merging takes place and Oneness alone remains, the goal is reached.
CONVERTING THE EMOTIONS
Emotions have no place in other paths of Yoga, and, because they are bound up with attatchment, they are rigorously uprooted. However the bhakta converts the emotions into unconditional love for God, which is neither binding nor selfish. The emotions, when channeled properly, can be used to attain Liberation.
The practice of Bhakti Yoga transmutes the lower emotions into devotion. Emotion is weakness, and must not be equated with divine love, which manifests as peace and joy. The lower emotions are not suppressed, however, but are utilized and sublimated. Without emotion there is no love, and without love one cannot approach the infine Love that is God. Through the higher emotions the devotees reaches out to the Divine. His practice is carried out by both formal worship and by seeing the Lord in all names and forms at all times. With purification the receptive heart receives the continual flow of divine love.
The barrier between the individual soul and the Supreme Soul is the ego, the ever present enemy. It manifests as a feeling of seperateness. Bhakti does away with this feeling of seperation, for in the ecstasy of pure love and devotion, the consciousness of the individual self is lost. With the surrender of the ego the individual becomes an instrument in the hands of God. This state is beautifully symbolized by the image of Krishna playing the flute. Just as the flute is a hollow instrument through which the breath of God moves, so the invididual must empty himself of all egoism, to enable the Lord to to act fully through him. He takes neither credit nor blame for his action. The devotee thinks of nothing but God. The Lord is his constant thought wave, and fills every mental space. His is the consummation of everything; hence everything is to be worshipped.
Tita: Those are our spiritual thoughts for today, being the Yogi that I am.
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