titachap15

11:06pm  Tita just had some insights.

Tita:  This is really exciting.  I have been sleeping a lot more than I have all summer, all year.  I actually overslept for a few months and I was really depressed.  Back in July, which is around my birthday.  June, July and August I slept sometimes fourteen hours.  I was severely depressed and not living in this reality.  

    I was checked out and that's why Victor checked in to his old past.  Which is wearing his teeshirt, writing in his blog, all that.  It began a while back when his mom suggested a long time ago that he put together a collection of all of his jokes into a pamphlet or book and that then people could buy it.  

    When I first met Victor I made a big huge fuss telling him, "Victor, you are hilarious!  Do you have all of these jokes together all in one place?"  

Victor:  Just hold the phone real quick.  My mother was, in no way, the birth of my joke blog,  LMFAO by stu and koolaid is where it all started, back in my AOL days around the turn of the century, that was my first joke collection.  

    Stop giving my mom credit.  My mom is senile. 

Tita:  I apologize, Victor.  My insight had to do with the fact that, as I told Victor, I have been struggling with sleep since the time my parent's brought me on the train.  Even though I didn't talk, they would talk to me.  At night, at the Jefferson house we all slept together.  I would sleep in the same bed as my parents.  

    I had a memory as I was talking to Victor and I told him how we have to be extra careful having two puppies of the things we leave on the floor.  I shared the memory about how when we first came to the US, we had it all lined up.  My parents emigrated.  

Your mom has an inferiority complex against me.  She was talking to me like, "Oh, your dad was one of those undocumented workers."  She sounded like she was calling us wetbacks.  I told her that ever since he could, since he was sixteen he was a hard worker.  The tone of her voice seemed like she was bothered.  

    Since I have never met her in person and I do not like to characterize people upon first meeting.  There are first impressions and then there's learning how people are over time.  That's why I think we can't really know anyone until we know them for at least five years, and seeing them in different situations.  

    Observe them when they are challenged, when they are happy, when they are angry, when they are upset, when they are sad, when they are happy, all the ranges of emotion.  Learning all of that stuff takes time.   

I even told my friends online that I was going to get off social media, because I want to do self-imposed solitary retreat.  I did this with Kaenan for a month.  We went to Joshua Tree and we fasted, which mostly meant that we had nothing but fruit and water.  We camped.  

    Unfortunately, he was too restless and wanted to explore all of these places there, so I was following his lead which was very draining of my energy, because it would've been better if we just had one place of focus and not be restless.  

Anyway, my memories that have been coming up are really necessary because now my memories, because Victor kind of said:

    "You stories are dumb now.  I have heard them so many times, and I am not your therapist.  Stop it!  How else can I tell you that it's insane for you to continue to do something that you know is not helpful?  This is the main reason for our discord.  If I haven't left you now, it's only because I LOVE you and I have patience.  I don't want to be a jerk, I don't want to be the bad guy.  Elizabeth, how can you stop talking?"

He was gone for a whole month and now that he's come back, after I almost died.  I came to realize that it's about ten days, the maximum I can be without Victor.  

    About after ten days of meeting Victor I've told myself that I needed him.  Victor has always ran to help me.  One time when I was in Redding at the hosital with my dad and Victor was in Mount Shasta with the car, there was very inclement weather, it was raining sideways and I lost my one contact lens, which I need to drive even when it's not monsooning outside.  

    Victor braved I5 in that weather just to go back to the bus and get me some more contact lenses and then risk the hour long drive back.   

I lost track of my insight.  My insight was that was memories are coming up now, now that I am sleeping more and am more balanced, since Victor came back.  Luckily, as I mentioned earlier I didn't die.  I am still here.  

    Yet, I have told Victor that I am ready to go, but am I?  

    Part of me says that I am ready to go, because I have done cool things and I met Victor finally, someone who I could only imagine in dreams.  I met my perfect soul mate in Victor.  Even when we erroneously thinking that we were in some gangster shootout in Mexico, we knew that at least we had met each other and have at least one positive, loving, kind relationship.  

    We were ready to go back then and Victor and I have talked about all of this, because I have a death wish and it sounded to me that he was so careless with a lot of things in his life too, and that he had a death wish.  On and off, Victor has contemplated suicide.  He just kinda of stopped caring enough anymore, about his life, so it didn't matter to him, the bad things that he does to himself.  

    Then he met me and hopefully he is thinking that positive thinking and meditation and Yoga and clean living and not eating meat is what he had been missing all of this time.  He knows I rather have a clean diet, because it was show up in our skin, in our aura, in our energy and it will make us leaner and not have saturated fat and worry about excess weight, and we won't have that dead energy inside of us.         

    The energy of shock and anger and disgust and loss of innocence that an animal goes through when butchered to feed us.  You are basically committing murder when you kill an animal just because you want to, because you don't have to!  

    Eating meat is actually an huge evil luxury and a detriment.  I am talking about any meat, really.  Anything that was once sentient, anything that had feelings.  

As we know now, plants have feelings too.  In between are the mushrooms.  That's why the mushrooms are so healing.  Mushrooms thrive in death then and then they burst open and they spread and before you know it there is more mushrooms.  Life came out of death. 

And the mycelium network underground, if I tell Victor hey, I want some Amanita Muscaria...there's a chance it may pop up because we have invited it here.  Just like we can do with marijuana.  

    Marijuana is an all-pervasive weed!  Ayahuasca comes from a vine.  All of these medicine plants.  That's why Victor and I also understand each other.  We know that we don't want to do synthetic drugs.  

    We know we have addictive personalities, so why would we take hard drugs?  Things that we might get hooked on.  We have plants instead.  We have beautiful delicious living beings that are helping us, teacher plants, ethnogenic plants.

So, my insight had to do with all of these memories that I've had, because now that Victor, and I finally heard him when he said, "Stop talking about the past, be positive and think happy thoughts."  

    When I was quiet a whole day he came up to me and said, "I remember you.  I remember the girl who wasn't crying and talking about pointless crap you had already told me a hundred times.  I remember you."  

    That's who I am, when I am not stressed out.  Now I am telling Victor new stories that he doesn't mind(usually).  

I want to talk about why these stories are coming up.  I was telling Victor how a lot of my psychic abilities are even stronger now that he has come back.  Now I am knowing things that I don't know how I know and saying things I don't know why I am saying.  In my sleep state they are even more in-my-face and direct, because I am feeling them.  

So, what's come up recently I have noticed that my new stories, the new people I am meeting are repetitions.  

(Tita went on and on and on about Carmen our senile front door neighbor and her new puppy and how she only had two friends in her contact on her new Obama phone.  Didn't feel like typing it up, maybe when we proofread together she can elaborate.)

Anyway, back to my insight.  I am having these memories come back to me because I need them to.  I am purging them out of my system.  I had a memory recently about this homosexual woman that I used do do Aikido with.  

    This lady was all over me all the time.  I didn't know she was a homosexual.  Someone made a comment like you are so butch and she made the kind of face, "Don't let Elizabeth know that."  So she was all over me not in a friendly, neutral way, she was attracted to me.  I didn't notice at the time.  

    As I told Victor, I tend to treat everyone the same way.  I usually say, "They are human and until they show me what kind of human they are, I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt."  My LOVE is the same, usually.  

    Now, I have learned to maybe be just a little more discriminating, and give less attention to certain people and things, and more to others.  Who knows?  I am back to being sheltered and living inside all the time.  Just going out to get food, not driving far away, even Victor needs to drive me at night.  

    These are signs that I am reverting back to childhood.  I am becoming more of a baby.  Victor can be a baby as well.  Right honey?

Victor:  A well-hung baby, lol.

Tita:  Ha, so we take turns.  Sometimes he needs babying.  Sometimes I need to give him what he needs now because he needs it.  What do I do as his lover?  I give him what he wants.  Victor gets what he wants.  If Victor wants pizza...

Victor:  Victor wants peace!

Tita:  We're going to have pizza that night.  Victor does what he wants regardless, so why not do it with him?  But if I don't want a certain topping then he adjusts to me.  Our LOVE is about compromising.  This is what true partnership is like.  

    Not only true LOVE, but giving up something for the other and finding harmony.  Finding a loving, peaceful solution and try not to let our egos get involved.  

    We just drop the things that are too scary for us still, to be picked up later when we are in a better frame of mind.  We still have some fears lingering, right honey?  That's what is holding us back from fully committing.  

    I've cheated before, I've been cheated on.  Victor too.  We are still kind of like, hmm, maybe I should keep playing it by ear.  From his point of view, he doesn't like all of my talking.  He might think, "Maybe she'll still give me shit about things I rather not give a shit about."  He has he right to feel that way too.  Like we might need to renegotiate.  

    For the most part we respect each other's idiosyncrasies, we respect each other's tastes.  Intimacy comes from communicating.  When we stop communicating that's a bad sign.  That means we are disconnected as LOVERS.  If we don't talk about the repairs to the house, we are disconnected as homeowners, etc.   

Chapter 16