6:48pm I have been on a veritable typing spree all day long today. I am so excited re-reading the wisdom Tita is spitting and how bad my mom is going to rightfully look and how GREAT it's going to make CHILDREN look! Speak some more truth, baby!
Tita: Well, these are just off the top of my head ramblings. This is not coherent because it's like a brainstorming session. Random thoughts, kind of.
Victor: Daily thoughts.
Tita: Ha! We might not even want to add this. It's just something I want to share with you. It may not be share-worthy on your blog. One of my thoughts pertaining to you having a sexual relationship with someone who is the age of your opposite-sex parent. This is the thing. Whether or not you see it as abnormal or not. In probably normal people, people who have a family the dad will think, "Hmm, my son is 10 and he's wanting to hang out with a 25 year old, that's fifteen years different? Umm, not appropriate. That's pedophilia.
Again, a ten year old having sexual feelings for someone his mom's age, most of the time the parent's would say, umm, not appropriate!
Victor: I am not sure if I ever told you this but right before my wreck, I was eighteen, I think. See, there was this way older insanely overweight lady who lived down the street named Gertrude, Trudy. She lived with her redneck husband down Autumn Shadows close to the ditch. Well, I remember that one time Darrel Azar and I were walking down the street and she was outside and we greeted her. She asked us where we were going and we told her we were going to go out in the woods behind my mom's house.
See, I used to spend almost all of my time exploring the woods alone, I even took a lawnmower out there and had designed a whole network of trails out there with special spots. The most specialist spot I had found was this place I dubbed Spanish Moss. It was an awesome grove creating a big canopy with beautiful Spanish Moss hanging from the "ceiling." Years before someone had even built a platform in the main tree of the grove.
Well, Trudy invited herself to go to the woods with us. Once we got to Spanish Moss Trudy started dropping sexual hints to me. Now, Darryl Azar was a popular dude in the neighborhood with a Casanova reputation in the hood, but Trudy wanted me, the good boy. Trudy wasn't attractive at all and really reminded me of the Hotdog in a Hallway song. Anyway, she asked me if I wanted to have sex with her. Disgusted at the thought, but still with a chubby, I told her, "I won't have real sex with you, wink, wink."
She got the hint and started sucking me off, with Darryl standing right there. I even remember her grabbing my cock and her telling Darryl, "Victor's got a nice one, right?" Darryl said, "Ah, I've seen nicer," or something like that. After she swallowed my load, I sheepishly stood up and walked off and climbed up into the platform that was like fifty feet up in the main tree. I didn't have my glasses on but I remember looking down and seeing that huge blur of a white mass of protoplasm moving back and forth on top of Darryl. I guess any young cock'll do.
I bet Darryl wasn't too proud that he had to fuck that whale and I lucked out and got a free blowjob, MY FIRST BLOWJOB! It sure as hell wasn't my last. :]
Tita: This is exactly why porn is such a corruptor. It makes these deviances enticing, thus normalizing it. Which is wrong! Victor calls sex fornication sometimes, the forbidden act. THAT'S the problem. His religious mother put it into him that that, you don't do. Instead of saying, "In the right context sex is a healthy, loving thing."
Victor: Reminds me of that quote that says there is a charm about the forbidden that makes it strangely desirable. In all actuality, THEY WANT US TO FORNICATE! GOD AND THE DEVIL WANT US TO FORNICATE! The bible is subversive! It's trickery!
Tita: But do we go back to does that include having sex with animals? Because if someone is out there alone and they have no siblings to have incest with, is it okay then because they have normal urges to copulate, but with a farm animal? This is not sexy! Nor is any perversion like a ten year old having sex with a thirty five year old. That should not be viewed as sexy.
I have many many examples myself that I don't want to go over again, but that should not be normalized. When it comes to older men, and this is what I wanted to share with Victor. I have had men my dad's age hit on me. Because I was an adult I immediately put up some boundaries. That's just not appropriate.
Victor: According to my girlfriend diary, I have boundary-issues.
Tita: In the same virtue, if you are ten years old and your teacher who is twenty five has sexual feelings for you, is that hot or sexy? Should we make a porn flick about it? That's pedophilia.
Victor: Barely legal.
Tita: Yeah, isn't like one of the top selling porn categories?
Victor: That's so dumb, if you are not dumb, there's plenty of free porn, by design!
Tita: The energy from pornography is dark and negative. It's a perversion! These are quirks and eccentricities that people then hook onto and it makes them masturbate alone. The "losers" of the world. Even if they are not a loser, "Oh, I am having a fight with my wife? I rather look at porn and jerk off."
That's what the perversion is, so if Victor didn't have his mom noticing this and paying attention and tell him, "Victor, hands off! If a woman my age of even a schoolteacher asks you for sex, say NO and run away and call me, because that's not appropriate." Did she ever go over that? Who knows? Maybe she did and Victor doesn't remember or he didn't care.
Thing is, another aspect is that it's usually the dad who enforces the rules and enforces discipline. In a Youtube video presentation, she said that she got assaulted, raped, it sounded like, at fifteen. She said it was because she had no dad. She blames it all on his absence. Was he an absent dad? Maybe he got kicked out instead.
Number two, didn't you have a stepdad? What was he doing? Did he not instill these principles into you? Probably not. Did she not have an uncle who told her that when you go out with boys don't let them touch you? It sounds like she didn't. Was this covered in Sunday school? Did they talk about bad touch? Did they talk about how if an adult comes up to you and starts caressing your breasts, that's bad? Who knows?
The lack of a father figure was obvious! Ada did as best as she could, more than likely. We can't fault her, because we don't know, really, but what we can blame her for is kicking out the dad from the equation and not even trying to make it work.
Like I said, we don't even know. Maybe it was the best thing for him to be gone, but then she must think, "My son needs a male figure in his life. How could I possibly think that he's going to have a healthy childhood if he doesn't have one man in his life, because, as a woman, I know I can't whoop his ass. A young boy who may go out and get into trouble needs solid male guidance. He needs to know that he is accountable to someone who can whoop his ass, or at least discipline him so harshly that he will think twice before making the same mistake again.
Even the elders at her church, if she was such a churchgoer, did she ever talk to anyone about this? Did the elders at her church ever say, "You know what, Ada? You're a single woman and you have a boy with no father. How do you feel about that? Do you feel equipped to bring up a boy? Have you talked about sex with him? Do you supervise him when he goes out?"
I used to have a close friend of mine, that when she started going to counseling because they wanted to marry by the Catholic church, they were so turned off by the counseling. The counseling brought up their issues and they bailed. They could not weather all of this truth, the revelations of the weakness in the relationship. What did they do instead? "Oh, we'll just get married somewhere else then." I think they went to Vegas.
I am not going to divulge names. People have confided me with their secrets. There's a movie that we saw, Victor and I, with Mandy Moore and Robin Williams is the pastor. License to Wed or something, I'm not sure. It covers this exact same stuff. Marriage is a serious business. For to people to commit, they should be counseled. They should be very aware and guided. They needed to instruct you two to tell your children, "Guess what? This is what cheating is, this is how you respect a wife, this is how you respect your husband."
To the husband the counselor should ask, "Once you are married, is it okay to go out with single women by yourself? Yes or no? To a young woman who wants to get married, "Are you going to keep partying with the girls and going to Chippendales and watch the men taking off their clothing? Do you think that will be okay now that you are in a relationship?" "Young lady, is it okay with you to hang out at bars and get drunk and invite yourself over to a guy's home and then let him fondle your breasts(Darcy)?
Victor: Ha, I will add a link to Darcy.
Tita: Is that allowed? Is it a good idea in a relationship for a woman to have a sexual interlude with a man, especially a Christian woman with a pastor for a husband! Is that okay? Oh, I guess if you confess or tithe then you get away with it? I DON'T THINK SO!
And young girl that's getting married, again, are you going to go out drinking with the girls still, or is that something you did when you were single?" Things change once you get married!
Victor and his siblings would've done better with a male figure. That's all there is to it. It would've made more sense and it would've avoided Laura getting assaulted when she was 15, or Victor having relationships he shouldn't have had.
Victor: I was a young pubescent boy, I had a grin on my face the whole time. As long as she doesn't bite it! HAHAHA. A free blow job didn't hurt me physically, gnome sayin'?
Tita: Most men would say that, most guys. Your sister might enjoy it too, physically, if she were to have sex with a man her dad's age.
Victor: I even remember Laura, disclosing to me, as if I GAF, about her preference for uncircumsized penises. I was like, "WTF makes you think I care? Do you think I want to picture my sister sucking dick?
You probably put their shmegma on your crackers, MY TWIN SISTER, THE UNCUT COCKSUCKER!
JUST LIKE YOU GOT PASSED AROUND THE FOOTBALL TEAM AT JOHN MARSHALL HIGH SCHOOL!
WAY TO SUPPORT YOUR TEAM!
GO RAMS!
DON'T BE SURPRISED THAT I THINK YOU'RE A SLUT JUST LIKE OUR MOTHER!
¡PUTA!
AND JUST LIKE OUR MOTHER YOU'RE A TOTAL FUCKUP WHEN IT COMES TO RAISING CHILDREN RIGHT!
PICK A RELIGION ALREADY AND STICK WITH IT! YOU STUPID BIATCH! :P
AT LEAST DIANA WASN'T STUPID(or pretty) ENOUGH TO HAVE KIDS AND ADD TO THE WORKER BEE POPULATION LIKE YOU!
IDIOT!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHORRENDOUSLY LOW IQ!
YOU SHOULD'VE HAD ABORTIONS, YOU AND YOUR DEFECTIVE OFFSPRING! YOU TAKE AFTER OUR MOTHER SO MUCH!
I kind of have a memory of back when I first started having erections of telling Laura once(my sister USED TO BE hot PAST TENSE! CHECK OUT ALL THE HICKIES ON HER NECK IN HER LAME VIDEOS! HAHAHA, lol), "I will show you mine if you show me yours." SHE DID NOT AGREE AND NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. I swear.
Tita: Right, and like Keanan's sister talking about blow jobs at the dinner table at eleven years old!
Victor: We have to make Kaenan a special section. And I also want you to talk about Ron Amitron and The Creation Lightship. I have never mentioned that at all, actually. You need to detail that for me someday soon, NOT NOW! Don't get any ideas, you yapper.
Tita: Yeah, I will write a book about Kaenan someday. I was with him and he has passed and he is a special guy. I want to write his story. It's been a long while and I got busy, but it's never too late.
Victor: That might be construed as pedophilia, might it not? There was a big age difference.
Tita: Umm, that could've been, yes. I'm a motherly woman. I tend to mother everyone on my midst, right? My sister in law Rosa knows this, I gravitate towards the vulnerable. The very young, from zero to five to even eighteen. Depending on who was there in the group.
Or, the very old. I told this to Rosa when she was having a party at her house and I was looking out for her parents. They were all shivering, I could tell they were cold. I offered to get them a blanket and they said, "No, we are fine." I could tell they weren't fine. I was thinking of my dad trying to be polite.
Then you meet kids that when they're young they are too embarrassed sometimes to say what they need and want. I insisted, "Let me get you something." I went to Rosa and told her, "Your parents are cold. Can we bring them a blanket?" Rosa kind of got upset and offended I asked saying, "No, I'll go do it!" She was the host and I knew she couldn't see everything, but I was paying attention to her parent's shivering, but she got offended that I would have the gall to care for HER parents right in front of her face. It hurt her pride, probably.
Had there been little kids there running around I would've been hanging out and playing with them.
When I told this to Rosa and I was talking about how I was raised with my elderly parents and that I have friends that are their age. The middle aged, the older, "Aahhhh!(fluffy), they can fend for themselves.
Victor: Alright, wind it down.
Tita: They have so many problems anyway. I don't want to mess with them. It's the kids and the elderly that need me most and are more of a joy to be with, are more real, more genuine, so I have learned in time that it's the healer in me too. Because again, would you want to spend your time listening to an adult that should know better or has many other peers, OR you should be helping the ones who can't help themselves instead.
And the little babies that totally can't help themselves? Not only are they fun energy, but they need the help! If nobody is paying attention(like Frank)the aunt(Tita) or uncle, will change the baby. This is just how I am naturally. So yeah, when it comes to Kaenan it wasn't pedophilia at all. Because mentally, metaphysically, meditatingly, Kaenan and I were peers, equals. We were both on the spiritual path. Over the course of four months, the attraction did start and I put a stop to it. I couldn't do it, shouldn't do it, he is too young. The kid was only 18 and a half and I was 42.
Again, in that context we were equal and there was so many times that Kaenan was more wise than me! I even wrote him a letter that freaked him out. He told me he wanted to hike up the hill with me at the ashram as friends. I told him, "Of course, what else would we be?"
At the beginning there was no question that all it was was friendship. Then with time and seeing all the time and wanting to have his company and he wanted to have my company our relationship blossomed. Our relationship deepened. After seeing each other every day at the Ashram, doing chores together, preparing meals together, that's when we started spending all night together.
At the end of the training, yes, we did. Our relationship went to a different level, it morphed.
Victor: How did it morph?
Tita: We had a sexual relationship. One evening right before he left the ashram. Months later when we talked about it, because I was in San Francisco. We were still friends and we were chatting about spiritual stuff.
He brought it up when we talked on the phone that he had talked to his counselor about that night that we had had sex. What did the counselor say? "Was it consensual?" He said, "Of course it was."
He actually had initiated it. There was no time when he said, "I don't want this, leave, you are being inappropriate," no. He definitely not only invited it, but he told me later it was because he saw me as a a kid like him. He wanted the kid in me to be happy. He wanted to give me an experience, basically.
He obviously was not in LOVE with me. Did I care? No, I was more in LOVE with him. The LOVE was not equal. Then again, I knew better and I kept my hands off of him. At first we never did anything inappropriate like kiss or fondle, none of that. It was when we were cleaning one day and he swooped in and forced me to kiss him. That was when it was one night, only.
Anyway, he said that he talked to his counselor and she okayed it, but I thought looking back myself, "I wish it hadn't happened, because it still didn't feel right and I am sorry that it went that far."
He told me that I really didn't have anything to be sorry for. We came to that conclusion. What happened after that? I was his mentor, I was his friend again. When he visited the ashram again nothing inappropriate happened. We liked each other, but that was it. We were back to being spiritual best friends. I saw him as a young kid who needed help.
I was even asked by Vishnu Das, "What's up with GoPaula(Kaenan). I told him, "Oh, he went back. He wanted to see his birth mother and it's such a horrible situation. He is not good and it's not healthy for him."
I didn't want to tell him all the things that Kaenan had entrusted me with. He said, "Yup, Kaenan is like me, a guitarist, super-kind. He reminds me of me." Vishnu Das tried to give Kaenan advice like don't eat junk-food anymore. He tried to guide Kaenan with his issues like what's this about you and your siblings talking about sex and smoking marijuana at the dinner table at eleven years old? And your dad is into meth and all kinds of hard drugs and cheating on your mom?"
That's the counseling that he needed. We just kept in touch after the ashram.
But by the time 2015 or 16 came around our relationship morphed even more! It was around the time when I was doing massage at the Double Tree Hotel and he was on SSI. He wanted to come to Modesto and hang out here. He thought he was ready. He thought since he had the ability to pay rent that maybe he can come live with me. Or at least hang out.
We didn't last a week. Kaenan had changed a lot. His dad had warned me. It's a long story and I don't want to get into it here, but I would like to eventually.
To answer the question, no, it was not pedophilia with Kaenan. It was a beautiful relationship and who didn't see it for what it was?
Who didn't see it for what it was? Me, Elizabeth, because I was so ashamed at first questioning whether it was pedophilia or not, that I didn't honor Kaenan the way I should have and even had gotten married to him the way he wanted. It was my hang-ups, not his. If I would've married him he might never have committed suicide. It's time to say, "I loved the guy, I did treat him like a husband.
I did more for him than I would've for a normal husband because he was so special, and he taught me not to let somebody yell at me and to not let somebody strike me. So no, babe. It was definitely not pedophilia.
3:43am Tita has something she wants to say.
Tita: I feel that I have helped Victor uncover, and my phone calls with my mother in law have helped me uncover, or discover something really interesting. Victor didn't suffer as much and have as many core issues from an absent dad, from not having a dad, I think dad is nowhere near as big of an issue and as pervasive as Ada. Ada is manipulative, toxic mother.
Had she been more loving and more attentive and worried more about her children's well-being and care she would not have married so quickly after she disposed of Franklin and she would have had more time to bond with little her children, especially the twins.
Had she paid more attention to them and not had another kid she would've guided, hopefully, maybe, probably not, but she might've been able to supervise them and guide them better, they would not have slipped into the horrible, depraved habits that they did. Sexual habits. Lack of self-control. Who knows how it went down?
Whatever it was Laura has publicly talked about it, how like, oh, it's all his fault. What about your mother?
She doesn't want, will probably never admit it, or never see it, but her mother not giving her the proper guidance.
Victor: Because she ran such a successful smear-campaign.
Even with a successful smear campaign against dad, had she not worried about her sexuality or catching another man and having another kid with him, had she been available to you guys more, maybe she would've spent that time that she spent dating and having a relationship with another man and having another baby, maybe all of that energy would've gone to you, maybe, but probably not even then, because you were the only boy.
Again, you guys are the result of not only by one parents, but a bad parent! A lacking parent. That, I believe has changed Victor more. As we know, by his past propensity with having sexual relations with women his mom's age. That's a direct result of that.
Victor: They're not all the same exact fuckin' age so don't even try with that malarkey.
Tita: But most men...
Victor: I am not most men!
Tita: Right, but the majority of men are repelled from women that are much older.
Victor: Yes, superficial ones.
Tita: So what was the deep connection? It wasn't sex or that they were beautiful. You've said it before, looks don't matter to you.
Victor: Looks matter just a bit.
Tita: Not to you!
Victor: My sweet little pumpkin! Don't take everything I say so literally! When I say looks didn't matter to me, I didn't mean they didn't matter to me at all.
Tita: What I a getting at is that you just pointed out that it's not mother-issues.
Victor: It just might be, for all I know, but you don't know either so stop stating things like you know them for sure when you don't and never will!
Tita: Can we talk about me now?
Victor: As if you are the only person or something. Umm, as much as they don't matter to most everybody else, even you. Sure, stuff is more pleasing to look at than other stuff, but when you try to see people instead of looking at them, the outer covering becomes irrelevant. Consensual exchange of love and happiness. Ageless love.
I don't seek out the cougars. Back then I would take the blessings however old they. I was sharing good feelings. Sometimes I feel you read way too much into things that aren't complicated and a lot of times you prematurely jump to conclusions.
That seems to be the only exercise you get these days.
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